My Little Willie Wonka Wanna Be
By Beverly Hicks Burch
I was busy working on a project on the computer this morning…probably email or something. I was sitting on the bed with my laptop pulled up in my lap. Scooter, aka, “Watson the Miniature Schnauzer Wonderkin” was close by as was “Winfield, the Cat formerly on the Lam”.
Watson is turning into a little lover, a regular little Casanova…our little lapdog. He’s just so sweet and loving sometimes I could gobble him up. He had been doing his little thing this morning, playing with this toy he has…a stuffed goose. The TV was on in the background on a news station. If you’ll recall I’ve mentioned before that Scoot watches TV. Well, this morning a commercial came on and it caught his attention…and when it caught HIS attention, it caught mine.
In this commercial a woman screams “Toby!” Apparently Toby is a pet (read canine) or child and has committed some egregious act and now the poor woman is in need of some product to expunge this act and make everything right in the world again. Take my word for it, Scooter’s face and demeanor said, “I resemble that remark!” He empathically watched as the pain unfolded on the big screen before him.
I must warn you: If you are faint of heart do not read any further! What I’m about to tell you was almost too much for MY faint heart to take…
I knew exactly what the little stinker was thinking about as he watched the commercial. It was a dark day in the Burch household…and it happen like this…
Several weeks ago, one Saturday, Tall & Handsome and I were enjoying a leisurely day. We were doing regular Saturday things like laundry, and computer geeks that we are, things on the `puter. At the moment I don’t recall what it was, but that part is really not relevant.
It had started raining and we had decided we were hungry. Our solution was to head to the kitchen and make some tuna salad. Scoot needed to go outside. We opened the door and he headed out like a gang-buster…until he saw it was raining. To say he made it a quick trip is an understatement, but he seemed to “take care of business”…I promise…I stood in the door and watched.
Well, back in the house he ran in and of course we go through the obligatory dog and cat fight between Scoot and Winfield. We say our, “Guys, cut it out!” thing and then get back to the business of making lunch.
All of a sudden, I realize that it is just too quiet. If you are a mother or have ever been a mother…you know what that means! For those of you that have never been mothers…and guys *kisses* I do love you all…that’s the same as the calm before the storm.
Since the cat was up for his 15 minutes of non-pooping or eating time of day…well, maybe it shouldn’t count because he was licking the tuna cans clean…he was in the kitchen with us. The little 15 pound dynamo was missing. I called him, but where ever he was…he stayed put.
The tuna salad was ready, I have my glass of ice tea and I grab my plate and head down the hall toward the bedroom and my laptop and back to our projects. T & H says, “I’m right behind you…I just need to finish something up here.” (Knowing him he probably had a marinade going…) Little did I know that at that point I was like chum about to be thrown into shark infested waters…
This part is painful…please do not think less of me…*sigh* I walk into the room, clueless to what is awaiting me…my tuna salad in one hand…ice tea in another…eager mind ready to get back to intellectual pursuit. When I walked around to my side of the bed, I nearly fainted! There was something on my bed I had never seen in my entire life…NO…NEVER!! It looked like Willy Wonka and his Chocolate Factory had been all over my bed…making Tootsie Roll Midgets! Not one, not two…no not three, but four!! I immediately let out a wail or screech, “Reggie!!!” I’m sure they heard me all the way down to the Tennessee River…which is several miles away.
Tall & Handsome walks into the room and asks, “What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?! Look on the bed! Look what the little poop-head has done!”
“Where?! You can’t see this, well just come over here and take a look!”
He walks into the room, walks around the bed and looks between my laptop and my propped up pillow. “Oh, my gosh! I’ve never seen anything like that.” T & H can be the master of understatement.
“You think I have! And I’ve totally lost my appetite. Except maybe for dead dog…”
By now that Monk thing in me is ready for mental hospital commitment…that OCD thing I mentioned. I’m ready to throw away my “newish” cotton, high thread count, deep pocket sheets…I will NOT keep these soiled elements of reminders around me. T & H reasoned with me and assured me we could wash…and wash and sanitize.
When we looked around to see where Scoot was we found him in his “condo”…his mammer-jammer size crate. He knew that like us he was in deep caca…he had timed himself out…I was wondering if I could time him out for life…
T & H and I got to the business of stripping the bed and changing the bed. We were in the process and I looked up and saw T & H. He had collapsed into the closet and was grasping onto the hanging clothes and his chest. His head was turned away from me. I panicked. Oh, Lord, please! Not my sweet Tall & Handsome! I’ll keep the sheets, I promise…I bargained with God.
Alarmed, I called out, “Honey, Baby! What’s wrong? Are you alright?”
He didn’t move…there was no sound for several seconds. “Reggie!!”
Finally and slowly he turned around, grasping his chest. His face was as red as a pickled beet. He had collapsed into the closet in a seizure of mirth…silent laughter if you will. I could NOT believe it.
I asked him, “And just what do you find so funny about this?”
He grabbed his chest and collapsed into the closet again. Finally, after he gather his composure he looked at me and said, “I was thinking why did he just poop on your side and what kind of message was he trying to send you. Was he trying to give you a present?”
I should have expected that of a cat man…
I’m happy to say Watson’s Willy Wonka stage is over…it certainly didn’t suit him. I like his little Casanova stage better…
© 2007 Beverly Hicks Burch All Rights Reserved.